Submitted by Sudaka on Sun, 10/30/2016 - 05:07

30 October 2016


Dear friends. I wake up in the early hours of the change-of-hour-night, is it 4 am or 5?

The letter of ex-Mitra Bjorn, commentaries by Parami and Mahamati are rumbling around in my mind, which have just been brought to light by an Order friend here in Valencia. I feel a mixture of disappointment, anger and sadness yet again. I recall my own "process" of trying to make sense of Bhante and his private life and therefore its implications on my own relation to Triratna. This went on shortly after I got ordained in 2001 until I moved down to Valencia, 2007. Bhante coming to visit in Valencia helped me see the old man and let go of the demon to a great extent.

I guess I shall make my peace in a few days' time. When the drama settles down again. One can't help but think it is better that the intimate details of an old teacher's private life are kept quiet, perhaps to himself. But then don't we stand for transparency and coherent ethical conduct? Does it not seem odd that someone who purportedly is celibate is involved in a sexual encounter? Or perhaps the whole thing has been invented by the overzealous? Or forgotten in the insomniacs hellish nights? Who to believe? What to make of it?

It seems clear to me that there is confusion, at least on my side. Projected idealism gets confounded with having ideals. The former can only lead to disappointment and anger, a negation of the weak, vulnerable incapacities that we all as human beings demonstrate. The latter, having ideals, being a necessity to live a meaningful and expansive human life. Let me not equate the ideal with the person!

How many fallen teachers have we not seen, how many disappointments have we not lived in our own friendships and love affairs? Does this excuse us?

I shall rest my confidence in the archetypal realm and take heed of my intuitions on the eve of asking for Ordination in the hills of Sierra Aitana more than 20 years ago, where I reflected; where there are frail human beings there shall be human sweat and imperfections. Looking for the spotless brotherhood and you shall not find it!

I decided to make do with what we have got and consider Bhante my teacher in terms of first port of call regards the Dharma. I consider myself primarily a Dharma practitioner, then an Order Member. I wanted to join the Order and collaborate with our Sangha as I know that I need the "context", as we say, to deepen my practice. Forming a community is an inevitability. And it shall be flawed!

My preceptor formally gave me the Precepts and the Mantra associated with the archetypal figure upon which I meditate day after day. I shall go on!

Certainly I don't look for Enlightenment in the friends and intimates I have here at hand. I look for enlightened perspectives and some wise thoughts and reflection. Hopefully one of us can raise our level of consciousness, even momentarily?